How to Foster Secure Attachment in our Children
The idea of attachment security is one that has become much more popularised in recent years, which is a wonderful thing. Though in fact, the attachment research has been around for more than 50 years!
Perhaps you have seen the words “Attachment Style” which refers to the patterns in which we relate to others and maintain meaningful relationships. I won’t go into it all right now - that’s for another blog post. But what I do want to highlight is just how important secure attachment is for wellbeing and a healthy sense of connection with others, and how we can support attachment security in our children.
So firstly, what is attachment security?
Attachment security refers to the idea that you have confidence that others will be available, responsive, and emotionally engaged when you need them to be. That they will be attuned to your needs and validate you when you need. And that you are loveable and valuable. In essence, secure attachment is the foundation to a healthy and strong sense of self, as well as your social and emotional wellbeing.
In fact, you’d be surprised (or maybe even not-so-surprised) to know that children who have secure attachment styles (or ways or relating to others) are more likely to regulate their emotions better and as a result, experience greater resilience as they are better able to deal with any challenges that come their way (see Obeldobel et al., 2022 for a recent review).
How do individuals develop secure attachment styles?
As you may have guessed, the first and most important blueprint for attachment security is in how parents or caregivers engaged with individuals as children, because our parents or caregivers are our first and most important attachment figures. When a young child is responded to when they are happy, frightened, upset, frustrated, angry, sad, or excited, with compassion, a listening ear, a sense of sitting with them and validating them before moving to problem-solving, this helps the child to feel heard. It helps the child to feel important. And it helps the child to learn that when they have an attachment need for comfort or protection or just being delighted in, that those needs will be met by those important adults around them. It helps them recognise that all emotions, no matter how big or scary, are OK, and that they can be managed and soothed - it helps them first develop a healthy relationship to their emotions. It is in this repetition of being held and cared for that they see their primary caregivers as a Safe Haven - through which they can come back to in times of need.
Only when children know they have a Safe Haven, can they them move on to explore the world with freedom to learn and engage, free from worries. When parents then allow children to springboard off them to investigate the world, the parents then act as a Secure Base. Children need to know that they have permission but also their parent’s confidence that they can try new things and explore the world.
You might have noticed a toddler going out on the playground to play, and then for a split second, they pause, a little unsure, and look back at the parent as if to say “can I go? Is it safe?”. With a little smile and a nod, the parent indicates that it’s ok to go and explore. And the toddler then rushes off to play. The toddler is given permission to explore, and also in a moment of uncertainty and needing to have confidence, the toddler gets reassurance and comfort from their parent in that little smile and nod. So they go off again into the world. Attachment security is built up over many repetitions, going out to explore, and coming back in to be reassured or comforted. And over and over again.
The good news is that this is probably what so many of you as parents are doing anyway maybe even without realising it.
Or maybe you did not have this experience yourself growing up with your own parents, and now you are really consciously trying to be there for your children in a new way. What a beautiful gift you are giving to your children! There is no greater gift to your children than your supportive, attentive, available presence. And what’s more, this is going to not only help your children development attachment security whilst they are young, but also provide a blueprint for healthy relationship to self and others, and even potentially your future grandchildren.
Ah - the beauty and importance of attachment work!
References:
Obeldobel, C. A., Brumariu, L. E., & Kerns, K. A. (2022). Parent–Child Attachment and Dynamic Emotion Regulation: A Systematic Review. Emotion Review, 15(1), 28-44. https://doi.org/10.1177/17540739221136895 (Original work published 2023)